A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral