What?
You Might Also Like
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
A short story of betrayal:
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Mistakes were made
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”