Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
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HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
#NeverForget
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!