I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.