Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Feels like the fourth month in January
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.