A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“A little help here, Danny?”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?