When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.