Extremely relatable.
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A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops