Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
the answer was staring at me all along
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.