[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?