Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,