My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Yes my dude
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what