I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer