A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word