timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
inventing words: clothing
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
What the hell happened in there??
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.