They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
my name if I was in the mob
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.