We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV