Had a spot of bother earlier.
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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
mmm onion ringos
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
This took me a second..
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.