The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
You Might Also Like
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar