Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.