*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake