18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I only eat vegetarians.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.