Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I love the National Park Service.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.