UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’