Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
You Might Also Like
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
socratic questions
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”