Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?