Spam popsicles.
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No way!
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.