I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
You Might Also Like
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*