rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad: