Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
You Might Also Like
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
how to have fun when you’re poor
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.