The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I saw nothing
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???