Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant