Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.