Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
You Might Also Like
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Waiting for the Charmin
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.