If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
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You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
In case you needed to hear it:
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian