Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.