*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
You Might Also Like
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
SPLOOT
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Animal poetry
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you