Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts