Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping