[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
LOL
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?