*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.