ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.