You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number