[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
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When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I already tried new things thanks.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details