“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”