“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong