me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Lube but for my dry humor.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
what
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.