There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.