Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
me, after any kind of buffet.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now