[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive